


Business or Pleasure

by sorcio



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blackmail, Crack Treated Seriously, Drug Use, Hargrove is the worst, Hargrove's nephew has a bad case of casually racist compliments, M/M, Sexting, Sexual Harassment, actually I take it back I'm the worst because I'm writing this, the accents are keysmashed as per usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:02:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22059763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sorcio/pseuds/sorcio
Summary: Yet another crackfic, aka my first shitpost of 2020.Canon divergence where everything is the same except Chairman Malcolm Hargrove, upon discovering the Director's suspicious activities, wants to solve the issue differently. Much differently...
Relationships: The Chairman | Malcolm Hargrove/Leonard L. Church
Comments: 21
Kudos: 9





	1. Arranging meetings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ScribbleBoxFox](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScribbleBoxFox/gifts).



It's a dark and stormy night, as usual, except it normally couldn't be stormy because the Mother Of Invention was in outer space and the dark part was dark because, again, outer space, so it'd technically be just dark. This, however, is after the ship crashed, they're in the facility, so it really is a dark and stormy night for once. It's a dark and stormy night and nobody is happy.  
One person in particular is even more pissed than the others.

“COWNSELAUH, HOULEE FUHK.” the Director kicks the door open, which strangely enough isn't like him because despite his unquestionably high level of violence even in the little things that would take too much energy compared to such levels of depression, and he is not about that life.

  
“Yes, sir? Is there any problem?” the Counselor gets up from his chair in sign of respect (fear), gracefully shifting a hand to close the probably pornographic material that he was watching “You seem upset.”

“Whaw tyeppd ya awff, tha faekt dat Ah kyieeckd tha gawddayum dou opin?” he rolls his eyes, his shining glasses emit an onomatopoeia that sounds like 'stewped byetch' so that his mouth doesn't have to.

“Sorry, sir.” the Counselor lowers his head “What is it?”

  
“Ah gawt aen eemaeuhl.”

“Oh.” the Counselor gasps “That can't be good.”

The Director grabs him by an arm and roughly pulls him until they get to his office, then points at the computer:

“ _Yeet's hiem. Tha Chaymin_.” his blood almost freezes in his veins as he pronounces that title with both hatred and concern “ _Hie knouz_.”

' _Dear Director,  
the UNSC has come to acknowledge a series of unfortunate rumours about your organization. I am sure that there has been a misunderstanding. Said rumours concern the ethical nature of your experiments involving the artificial intelligence program that you received from us, and as the highest authority I am required to intervene personally to investigate the matter. I would like to ask you few yet very important questions to ensure that all the practices are being followed through within the respect of the protocol. __This is a mere formality, of course, yet it is imperative that we proceed as soon as possible._ _  
A_ _n evening_ _meeting in person_ _during the upcoming week_ _would be ideal,_ _we thank you in advance for your cooperation.  
Best wishes,_ _  
  
\- __Chairman Malcolm Hargrove_ '

“Whawt do Ah do?”

  
“I believe it would be best to accept the meeting, avoiding this interaction is bound to further increase his suspicions. Feel free to send me instead of going to the meeting yourself if you feel it would be too risky.”

“Nah, Ah thank Ah caen eezely doo tha tawkin'.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yuh. Duh?”

  
“...”

“...”

“...Of course, sir. So, how are you planning to address the questions the Chairman will ask you?”

  
“Ah'm yinnoceuhnt uhntiel proovun guieltay, Ah'll byiee deemaendin' aeviedunz.”

  
“There is a chance that he will in fact present you with evidence, sir.”

  
“Thaen whaddya suhdjaest yin dat yieevunchualeteh?”

“Hm.” his expression becomes pensive “I'm assuming that in that case, given the tone of his email, he will be open to some kind of compromise. You may want to be listen to his requests, although carefully.”

“Yah, no, nawt haeppunin'. Hawrgrouvez naht mah daed. Hie caen't teuhll myee whawt tuh doo.”

“Unfortunately, sir, I am inclined to disagree. Please do not take this exchange lightly, as it is of vital importance to display care and professionalty.”

“Whaen do Ah nawt dieesplaye caer aen' profaesshunahluhtieh?”

The Counselor glances away.

–

  
“Edwoudt, deeah.” the Chairman calls his nephew to his fancy office “Do yoo think thaht thuh Diraectah ouff Prodjict Frieelahnsuh wiul reespandt chu moi eemael soon eenuff?”

  
“I suppose it depends on your definition of soon enough.” Edward shrugs “Why do you ask?”

“Oh, yoo ahr sou naiff stiull, ahs moi saeckendt in cummahnd yoo shooudt bee ohweah thahtt thiss is uh hyooge uppouchunetay. Brenging dzown on ouganeseshun cruminol tuh suhtch eggstaent wyull shoure improov owoh repyootayshun ahndt wiff thuh craedebeelitay weech cahmz wiff itt, Oi woudt saey wiee wyull bee sooun putt in uh pussishun chu hahf thee ohppah hahndt on whooevah wee want.”

“Mh.” the nephew emits an ambiguous grunt “Are you sure this doesn't have anything to do with the Director himself?”

“Woi, yes, Oi ahm reeloing on thuh mahn's nochoriouslay foiry tzempah in oudah chu rusyeeff uh quikk respounse whetchh he cleeuhly hahs nott thott through. Thahtt woodt bee uh kiee fahctah chu haeyz spectahkyulouh deefeatt. Outhah thahn thaht...Nou, nott reellay.”

“...Mh.” Edward still doesn't seem convinced “Alright.”

“Hie prabublay deesoidid tzuh waytt in oh pohthaetzeck uhtzempt nottzuh sundt daspurayt. Oi'm shoure Oi wyull heeah fram hyum vaerry ssoon.”

“Speak of the devil!” Edward points to the screen “You have mail.”

The Chairman rushes to open the new message.

' _Dear Chairman,  
I am not sure where you might've heard these groundless rumors. I assure you that __whenever confronted with an official complaint coming from a legit public entity, I as the director of the project and the collaborators associated with me have always responded and addressed all the questions.  
We invite you to reexamine our previous conversations to look for any discrepancies if needed, however I do not see the point of communicating questionable speculations regarding my project via email, especially given that we are both very busy with our respective endeavors.  
I am aware of how much you value the respect of formalities, therefore I will gladly inform you that I am available for arranging this meeting that you are requesting since it is so important for your organization. To further prove this, I will let you choose the day and time and move other activities in my schedule accordingly. _

_Dr Leonard Church_ '

“Wot ahn uhndzisseploint brahtt.” he comments.

“Truly.”

“Hiee getz moah hahndsum boi thuh meenitt, tzoo. Oi'm glahdt hie agreedt tzuh hahf thes meetzing wiff may.”

“Right...” he seems uncomfortable with his uncle's enthusiasm, dilated pupils and other bodily signs of excitement that would be unpolite to mention with this much nonchalance. “I'm going to leave you alone.”

“Ah, yes, verry goodt. Oi needt tzuh biee uhloahn for wott Oi'm goingztuh doo next.” he grins, holding back the typical pervert old man laughter, making his nephew pale and leave immediately. “Thiss shall bee tzaking ahn inchresting tzuhn.”

\---

  
“Director.” the Counselor calls him after a while “The Chairman has responded to your email.”

“Ugh, gawd.” he groans as he sits back at the desk “Whawt tha haell duhz hiee wawnt nah?!”

He clicks on the mail only because he wants it to be over with already.

' _Dear Director,  
I am very glad to see you accepted to arrange this meeting with me. I understand that you are very busy, __and_ _for this reason I would like to_ _invite you to my facility tomorrow at 1900. We have many matters to discuss and it would be much more pleasant to do so while having dinner, it will be an honour for me to pay and, as a good host and gentleman, to make sure you are comfortable. With an enjoyable atmosphere, our meeting is guaranteed to continue in the best of ways . I am sure you will be very open to my solutions.  
Remember to wear clean underwear for the occasion.  
Please confirm that you read this email as soon as you receive it, I am impatiently counting the hours already.  
Best wishes,_

_Chairman Malcolm Hargrove._ '

The Director blushes uncomfortably.

“Ah hayt thes.”

“There is a zip file as an attachment, sir.” points out the Counselor.

“Thanks, Cownselauh, buht Ah'd ratheuh dah thaen oupen eet. Ah'm juhst gawnuh yignoah tha whoal thang.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...Sir?”

“UGH, WHAWT?!”

“The Chairman sent another email...” he mumbles nervously.

The Director exhales through his nose and finally gathers the courage to open the next one, an email with no object.

' _Dear Director,  
I showed you my penis, please respond._'


	2. Obscene emails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Chairman is a perverted old man, the Director has scientific curiosity, the Counselor is a little devil on the Director's shoulder. The usual.
> 
> (Although it's the premise of the entire fic, trigger warning for sexual harassment)

“Ah dunno whawt Ah eggspaectid, buht yiet wawzunt _daet_ , gawddayummet.” the Director glances back at the email with a concerned expression, trying to hide how creeped out he is. He fails horribly.

“Sir, I understand that this might be a very disturbing experience--”

“Yuh, ye caen saye dat uhgaen.”

“However, you have already accepted the meeting and not communicating that you have acknowledged the latest message will damage your credibility.”

“...Buht hie sed hie sent uh pyieekchuh awv hez pyeenuz.”

  
“Unfortunately, you are not in a position that allows you to complain about sexual harassment. Reporting this incident will only put you in further danger.”

  
“Whah dyieed hie saend et yin ziehp fawrmuht? Ah'm priedy shore daet thang don't nyeed no cumpraessin' aenyewaye. Daetz thuh moust dieestuhbyien' par.” he challenges, but of course the Counselor is not impressed by his overly sarcastic demeanor.

“...Indeed, sir. Would you like me to accompany you to the meeting? It might discourage him from crossing certain lines.”

  
“Aen' leev tha aygeuhntz uhloan?”

“...”

“...”

“Okaye, yer raht, Ahl juhst laet Fyeuhllez thraedun whoaevuh wyeth layzeuhs. Yietz awlwayez worked beefoah.”

  
\---  
  


Edward knocks on his uncle's office door.

“Cahm iun!” chirps the Chairman feigning nonchalance.

“Has the Director responded to your email yet?”

“Hm, nott yaet, nou. Buht hieae awlreadtay ugrieedt on thuh shedjool, thaerfouh hiee mohstd wroite maye uh cunfirmisshun mayol. Oi'm reealley looukkin fouwodt chu owoh mieetzing, buht alas, Oi've mayde thee uhnfotcchunaytt miustayke awff saentzing uh dobble maessidge...”

“You did what?!” he gasps “That will make you sound desperate!”

“Oi knou. Yit Oi couhdt nott contzayn moiself. You seeae, whoile Oi'm oweah thahtt this opuraysshun cannot bee noffing ahthah thahn suxassfol, Oi'm foindzen moiself feelayng quoit neuvvuss. Hahf you _sieen_ hium, deeah?”

“I haven't, but I've seen the evidence you collected, and no amount of waffling on will save him.” he grins “You have no reason to worry.”  
  


“Maye thiss bee uh lassun chu you, deeah Edwoudt: navah pusshue an ahngray mahn. Deespoit thee neeah goruntzayeed vikkchraye, itiss vaerry eazay chu foll foah thaeh chahmz; Oi'm awlrudty iummahdjinning haeyz fayss, redt ahs olwayes, roight uhndah moi bahdtay ahs hee gaets lahudtah ahndt lahudtah, ahndt thaht foutt uhloahn es sumtoimz enuff chu mayek maye looz moi kombucha...Whicch iss bowndt chu bae ahn esshew.”

“So are you going on the pull or not?”

“EDWOUDT...!”

–-  
  
“...So...How are you going to respond, sir?”

“Ah haev no ahdeuh...Buht hez solushenz baeduh nawt yinvoulve whawt et louhks lahk hiez yinvawlvin'.”

“If I may, Director, I would like to remind you that in the eventuality in which the Chairman asks you to spend the night with him, you could always decline by postponing and demanding he behaves like a gentleman and takes time to court you properly.”

“Ah dun wawnuh byiee corded!” his face flushes red “'spaeshulleh nawt bah hyuem!”

“I am well aware, sir. However, I believe that you could benefit from this encounter. Due to the fact that you have been...Abstaining for decades, now, a contact with a more mature and experienced person might be what you need to become more comfortable.”

“Ah...” the Director is baffled “HAH DAEH YA?!”

“Please do not take this the wrong way--”

“Thaerz no awthuh waye tuh tayke et, Cownselauh. Yer sudjaestin' daet Ah prawstehtute mahself.”

“Let's not use unconvenient terminology. Your feelings on the matter are valid, of course, yet I would like you to reframe this thought into a more positive statement.”

“Ye wawnt meh. Tuh haev saeggs. Wyeth uh peuhveuhded ol' maen. Biecawz weh maht dah othawahz.” he mimes a frame with his hands as he 'reframes the statement'. He can't make it any better.

“Alright, you are upset--”

“YA THANK?!”

“...But there are many positive aspects about this situation.”

“Teuhll meh WON awv 'em.”

“Well, for example proving yourself to be a useful ally will have him spare the project from being subjected to criminal investigation and no one will be arrested. By spending time with you, the Chairman will most likely realize how revolutionary your methods are and support them, sir, especially because the newly formed collaboration will allow us to continue our experiments without having to steal material from him. On the contrary, he might provide us the tools we need, he might even provide us new fully formed AI programs.”

“Stawp mayken' et sahnd lahk uh gud ahdeuh, yieetzuh _taerebul_ ahdeuh.”

“Considering that the only alternative is going to jail, this is the best possible idea. The Chairman has not specified the details of what he knows, and there is a chance that he might not have the complete picture, but he has many contacts and is more powerful than us. Even managing to avoid his questions, we would still be easy targets. He aims to provoke you until you lash out and say something to contradict yourself that would add to the hypothetical incomplete picture. He is very smart.”

“Yuh, waell, weer smahrt too. Thaer haez tuh byiee anuhtha waye.”

“It's too risky, sir.”

“Gud! Ah luv meh uh gud chaellunge!”

“It's not a challenge that you would win, sir.” the Counselor replies in an oddly assertive way, if oddly assertive can somehow describe the way a lizard's eyes look before it leaves its own skin and eats it in front of you for unrelated reasons but you still feel freaked out, a non human kind of assertiveness “There is too much at stake. With a simple compromise, you will be able to do whatever you want with the project and even gain the approval of the authorities.”

“But Ah--”

“I know you have been struggling with nightmares and anxiety.” he puts a hand on the Director's shoulder “That you are afraid of the consequences, but I assure you that everything will be alright. All you have to do is to relax. I will take care of you as always and the Chairman, too, will take good care of you if you allow him to do so.”  
  
He gives him a 'reassuring' smile that just comes off as sinister instead, mostly because human suffering makes him horny but he has to be professional, then continues:

“The elderly are very easy to satisfy in bed, sir: their bodies get tired easily and their ego is very fragile and in need of reassurance that they are not going through decline and inevitable nothingness. Especially for a man like the Chairman who values his meaningless material possessions so much. A brief ride will keep him satiated for a while.”

“...Do Ah dehuh aesk hahddya kno dat or do Ah juhst kyull mahself awn tha spawt?”

“You see, if you give them the attention that they request they can get really passionate. Perhaps matching a level of intensity that doesn't seem to be optional for you. From the information I have gathered about your marriage--”

“Cownselauh?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Yiffya daeuh eevun thank uhbaht maykin' spaekyuhlayeshunz uhbaht mah _houley_ maerridge aen uhttempt tuh cumpaer et wyeth anye awv thes, Ah'm gun tuh rep awff yo' spahn aen' yoozet aezuh dyieesh raek. Ah myeen et.”

“Sorry, sir. My mistake...Still, you have to type a response for the Chairman regardless of the conversation we just had.”

“Awlraht, buht hah doo Ah beehayve uhbaht tha uhbsyeen pyeckchuh? Ah caent preetaend Ah dyeedunt syee et.”

“Well...You haven't opened the file.”

“Tru, buht...Ah dun kno, mayebeh Ah shoouhld? Ah'll haeve nahghtmaez aen' awll, styeuhll--”

“ _Of course_.”

“Wh-whut? Whawt es et nah? Whah ahr ya tawkin' en etahlecs?”

“ _Oh, you know._ ”

“Yer jahdjien meh. Yer jadjin' meh, ahrunchah?”

“Do you _feel_ as though I have a reason to judge you?”

“Lyeussun.” the Director spits out defensively “Hieez Brehdish, Ah've nevuh ruceived uh dyeeckpec awv aen uhnceuhcumzahzd pyeenuz, aen' eevun ef Ah kno Ah'll hayte et--”

“You've never seen an uncircumcised penis?”

“Ah dun wawnuh tawk uhbaht et. Nawt wyeth _you_.”

“Then I suggest you satisfy your...Scientific curiousity while I leave you alone.”

“Uh. YUH! Lyeev meh uhloan, yer maykin' et wyeeuhd...Dizmyesst.”

  
\---  
  
“EDWOUDT, LOOUK!” the Chairman sounds overjoyed all of a sudden “Thuh Diraektah hahs foinalley saendt hyaez reespawndz. Woodju loik chu reeaditt wiff maye?”

“Uh. No, thank you. I'm sure he's a handsome lad... _To you_ , but if you sent him an obscene picture then I wouldn't like to see his response. We have very different tastes, and thank goodness we don't have to share!”

“Aw, woi nott? Oi shoure woodunt moind maeking hyum awvayellubul for yew chu yoouse. Thaere eez enuff awv thah mahn tzuh gou uwrrawnd, ahndt eespashullay sayns hee loiks chu playe hahdt tzuh gaet, itt woodt bee ahn aekshtruh vekkchraye fouh thuh choo awff uhss.”

“I will NOT shag your rival in front of you, uncle Malcolm!”

“Zont bee sillaye, Oi woodt uhrraynge youh' meetzeng innuh way whicch ullahjyoo tuh haff yo' proivuçay ahndt meh chu eggspeeriuntz seeieng ahndt hieereng hium onlay...Itt woodt bae vaerray indzaelaykaytt awff mei outhawoise, donchu theink?”

“Show me the response, as long as we get to drop this conversation soon.”

“Olroight.”

' _Dear Chairman,_  
_with this response I confirm that I have received your email and that I will be present at tomorrow's meeting at 1900. I don't mind having dinner while we discuss the project, however I must remind you that I am only agreeing to have a professional conversation in a professional environment, and that that hideous picture you sent me not only was in bad taste but also does not mean that I'm required to respond with another message of that kind or to stand for any of this disrespect. I demand that you treat me with dignity, otherwise I am going to have to assume that you are trying to waste my time. I will see you tomorrow, try to bring a better attitude or I will dismiss your emails as spam._

_\- Dr Leonard Church._  
  
_Ps. Your file hardly needs any compressing. I don't see the point of the zip format but I will let it slide and attribute it to your old age and technology related ignorance._ '

“Wow.” Edward holds back laughter “Has this brat ever got laid in his life?”

“Straenjulay eenuff, hee haez!” the Chairman laughs heartily “Butt ooh, duz hee meiss ett!”

“Clearly!”

“Oi shahll toipe thee peuhffikt ansah, wounn whecch wiull hahf hium ounn haeyz kneeis, ahs hee shooudt olwiz bae...” he rubs his hands together like flies do, looking gross and evil at the same time “Dzuh yoo pucchahntz hahff ahnye suddjaeschun?”

“Hm, let me think...” Edward starts walking back and forth across the room to gather ideas “You can reference his hysteria by not being subtle at all about how much he's gagging for it. And add that he's yours to play with either way, so...! He has no chance of winning this.”

“Thaht es uh byoochiful thott, Edwoudt.” the Chairman smiles at his nephew “Oi'll wroite hium emmeediachley.”

He slowly starts typing something, then backspaces and stares at the screen for a while, in the end he rewrites what he thinks is the perfect message:

' _Dear Director,_  
_I apologize for scaring you with my previous message. I am aware that you are very sensitive, and perhaps I should've measured my way of expressing myself accordingly, yet I can assure you that I was already attempting to match your level of innocence in this situation. You will indeed be treated with the utmost care, with the respect of your personal rhythms in regards to social interactions. I have heard that it has been a while since you last had an encounter that suits your profession, but I have faith in your talent and your will to make the best out of it. After all, you have little choice but to prove yourself, and I will be glad to listen. Don't worry about the tension you are currently feeling, dear Director, I will make sure to loosen you up properly and help you have a pleasant evening – it is sad that you have been struggling to find relief for these many years, but I have the means to make that happen._  
_I will see you very soon._  
_Best wishes,_  
  
_Chairman Malcolm Hargrove_ '

“Wott dzuh yoo theink, deeah?”

“It's perfect.”

  
\---  
  
It's 7pm of the following day and finally the Director headed to the meeting in Hargrove's private restaurant on his ship – because of course that motherfucker has a private restaurant on his ship. The Chairman's smug smile vanishes immediately as he notices he brought the Counselor along.

“Oh! Directah!” he gets up from his chair and shakes his hand, then looks down at the Counselor with a disgusted expression “Oi syeaey yoo brouttz yo' pawtnuh wiff yoo. Uhnfocchunetley, Oi'm ufrayedt wee dzunt hahff chiedjruhn's chaez aht hahndt, butt Oi'll meik showo chu foind hium uh playz.”

“Thank you, Chairman, I appreciate it.” the Counselor gives him the fakest smile, then flutters his eyelashes “Are your collaborators arriving anytime soon?”

“Oh. Showo! Moi naffyoo Edwoudt ez moi saekkendt in cummahnd. Hee shol urroive vaerrye soon, butt yewnou how thee yawnglengz ohr...”

“Oh reuhlleh?” the Director raises an eyebrow “Thaen whah yisuhnt thae uh chaeh raedye fo' hyem?”

“Thaht iz uh vaerrye gooudt quaeschun, Directah.”

“Yuh, Ah bet et ez...”

“Yoo syee, Oi'm vaerry mutch djaenerres wiff moi implouyees, yit sumtoimz thay churuley seem tuh hahff tchrobul uhndteuhstahndzing muh oudauhz. Peuhahps Oi shoudt tzawk chu moi waytuz moar slowley, wott djuyoo theink?”

“Ah thank thah knahvz awn thes teibul baeduh byiee shahrp.”

“Sir--” the Counselor already reprimands him, but he doesn't care.

“Shudup.” the Director barks at him, then rolls his eyes as he speaks to the Chairman “So uhhh, doowyee stahr wyethat yo' naephew or shuhd wiee wayt?”

“Oi dzid nott nou yew wehuh yin sutcch hurri, Directah! Dzuyoo peuhcchans fyull thatt thiss ez suppoust chu bae uh fahst mieetzang ahndt thaht wee shawl moove tzuh thaw naekst staep assoon ahs pawssibul? Beecaws--”

“Ah dyeedunt saye dat. Di'n't saye aenye awv daet.”

“Hm. Oi see--”

“Maeybe Ah'm huhngray, fo' whawt ye kno, hah baht daet?” he shrugs in defiance, but the Chairman licks his lips in the creepiest and grossest ways possible.

“Then yew wiull lahv moi baebey baettzuh, deeah.” he grins seeing the Director gasp audibly at that fucked up remark “Now, effyoo wyull eggskyoouse meh, Oi hahf chu maykk uh phoan col.”

“Yuh...” he nods uncomfortably “Go uhead...”

The Chairman gives both his ~~bitches~~ opponents a fake smile, then makes the phone call. After a few rings, the person on the other end picks up:

“Hello?”

“Edwoudt? Thiss iss uhjunt, thuh mieetzang hahs stahtzed ahndt hee brott cumpunnay. Yoo hahff chu cum heeah emmediachley, itz toime fou uhs tzuh go eenchu ahkshun.”


	3. Obscene meetings and arranging email

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward joins the business dinner at the restaurant and proves himself to be quite the gentleman. The Counselor sexts to save his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: the usual blackmail and sexual harassment + a casual racist comment coming from Edward thinking he's making a compliment + non consensual drug usage

“...”

“...”

“...”

“Uncle Malcolm?”

“Yes, deeah?”

“What the FUCK do you mean by time to go into action?!” Edward yells on the other end of the phone, clearly he isn't pleased.

“The meetzeng is uhbott chu staht. Oi'm waitzing in moi proivate raestzuront, wheah awh yoo?”

“I'll be there in a moment, why are we doing this again?”

“Oh, dzoo nott worray, wonce we get this dohn wif yoo cahn ahsk fo' wotevoh yoo wawnt. Oi guawrontzaye you thaht yoo haff aw lott chu euhn frahm this sichuayeshun.”

“You better be right because I'm interrupting my, um...Activities for this.”

“Ahh, Oi see. You haff been aw djentzulmahn ahndt payed heuh well, Oi houp.”

“THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.”

“On the conchruray, Oi'm showo yoo awh well oweah of yowo dutziees, olwayes reemumbah chu tzayke yo' repyootayshun eentzu account, yoo no.”

“ALRIGHT, FINE, I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES AS LONG AS YOU STOP TALKING, BYE.”

Edward hangs up and the Chairman comes back to his seat with an annoyed expression.

“Is there any problem?” the Counselor glues his eyes to him as soon as he sees him come back, giving him all his attention. The Director is glad for that act of 'protection' but still emits some distressed noise.

“Nou problum atoll! Een fact, moi neffyoo wiull djoinuz en aw fyoo meenitz.”

“Aight...” the Director looks around nervously “So whawt do wie do, do wie ordauh?”

“Doun't worray oboutzet, Oi awlreadtay ouhdauhd chu thaw cheff. Oi'm showo yoo wiull eenjwoy yoah meeol.”

“Hm.” the Director scrunches his nose.

“Ouh, thehretzayz!" he points to the waiter and then turns to the Counselor "Sawrray, dzeeah, wie didn't knou yoo wear cahmmiung, wee'll haff owoh schef meik sum asscahgowo foh yoo az waell, yiffyu wawnchu troi sumfayn nyoo.”

“Ah'll gyeve hiem mahn, Ah dzawn't yeet thes tahp av food.”

“Chu illawbouraytzid fou yoo?” the Chairman gives him a smug look.

“Yeetz naht dat.” he spits back immediately “Yeetz dat thes foodz naht kosher.”

“Yoo ackchullay fawlo thah rewls?” the old bastard is surprised, rightfully so for once “Sorray fou nott dejusaing thatz jurayng owoh laytzest convussayshun.”

The Counselor barely holds back a chuckle, irritating the Director, who pushes the escargot plate in his direction and inadvertedly sprays him with all the soup inside.  
  
“Yeet yo' gawddayum snayulz, Cownselauh.”

He tries to wipe his blazer with the serviette, but no use, so he gets up.

“Thaw raechrum ayz ouvah thaeh.”

“I'll be right back.”

“Hurreh uhp!” the Director barks at him in annoyance, then groans as he notices the Chairman smiling at him “Whawt?!”

“It's noice chu siee youo sou dzeevoutzid chu yoah beleeffz.”

“Ah baet yeetz vaereh reefraeshin' fo' ya.”

“Itt dosun't seuhproise may thattchu thank sou. Yett, Oi ahm verray moch loyul tzuh moi bolivz” he snaps his fingers to call the waiter “Meik sum lahmb fo owoh spaesshul gaest. Andt aw noice bahttzul off Cahbeuhnnaye chu gou wiff itt.”

“Yes, sir, anything else?” asks the waiter.

“ _Meik showo tzu chooz tha foinest, pyoorest lahmb mieet_.” he says slowly as he gives a dirty look to the Director.

“Whah ahr ya staerin' aet meh lahk dat?”

The awkwardness is interrupted by Edward finally arriving. He looks quite disheveled and has some lipstick on his neck and his zipper is kinda half down still.

“Uncle Malcolm?”

“Oh, Edwoudt, deah, tzayke aw seeat.”

“Alright.” Edward sits where the Counselor was.

“Dat seat es awlreadeh taykun.”

“I know, I'm sitting on it.” his turns to the Chairman “This is your American date, I'm guessing?”

“WIE'RE NAWT AWN UH DAYTE.”

“Thank goodness.” he sighs as he puts his feet on the table, some nice chewing gum hanging from the sole plops over the table “I wouldn't want it to be like prom all over again, all my teachers kept disappearing.”

“WOAH. Dyeed yo' mama evah tell ya dat yo' fyeet ahr suppouzd tuh byee _unduh_ yo' taybol?!”

“Is it _your_ mama who told you this? Because I'm pretty sure she spent lots of times under tables, and not just her feet, which is exactly how you will end up if you don't want to go to jail, so--”

“Edwoudt. Gou wosh yoar hahndts beefoah dzinnah stahts, wiull yoo?”

“Fine, I'm done talking to this wanker anyway.”

Edward enters the restroom where he finds the Counselor trying to remove the stain from the jacket and kinda stares at him:

“The girls' restroom is on the other end, darling.”

“You're Edward Hargrove, correct?”

“That's me! Nice to meet you. I'll buy you a new suit, I'm sure you need one anyway.”

“Thank you, but it will not be necessary.”

“Don't worry, I have plenty of money, you know? You don't have to give me the amount back.”

“I appreciate your offer, but if you excuse me, I have an important meeting to go back to.”

“Me too. Shame that you lost your chance. I'll give you my number just because I'm generous.” he hands him his business card “Goodbye!”

”Actually, I have a meeting right with your uncle, Malcolm Hargrove.”

“Ohh, you're with that other lad? Tall, black hair, glasses, goatee?”

“Yes. That is the Director.”

“He's hot for an American. You too are cute for one of your kind.”

“I'm American as well”

“Are you sure about that?”

“...”

“You look too pretty to be an American. I figured you were Samoan or nice exotic place.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

Edward doesn't understand why he's being glared at like that “What?”

“Do you make assumptions based on people's skin colour often?”

“My only assumption was that my white would look good on you, if you know what I mean...!”

The Counselor just leaves the restroom.

“Well, aren't you a RUDE little slut...!”

Edward follows him and pulls a chair to sit at the table as well.

“Fahnulleh” the Director rolls his eyes “Ah wuz stahrdin' tuh thank you faell yinto uh toilet or sumfin. Di'n't Ah tell ya tuh hurreh uhp?!”

“I'm sorry sir. I was...Interrupted.”

“Oh, you chyoo were conveuhsayng? Thattz noice. This es aw goodt occayjun tzuh gett chu nou eacchothah. Itt wiull bee loike aw dzouble dzayte!”

“Do nawt cawll et dat. Thes es uh beezniz meedeng.”

“Inchresting thatt it's yew sayeing itt, Dzirectah. Itt seuhproises may thatt yoo knou how chu dzestenguish iff yoar dzoing wottchyoar doing fou businiss ou pleajah.”

“Ah caen prawbably saye tha sayme tuh ya.”

“But could you _prove_ it?” smirks Edward in delight.

“Shudup, you. Nobahded tol ya aenethang.”

“I don't need anyone to tell me anything before I do or say something. That's the fun of being the boss, you know?”

“Edwoudt, pleease dzoun't intzerrupt.”

“Ugh, fine.”

“Moi neffyoo did howevah rayse an inchresting queschun: yew cannott proov anny croime that we allaegedley cahmmittzed, yet we haff plentzay off yinformasshun on yoar maethods.”

“Ya do? Tayke meh tuh your archahv, thaen, syence ye wawnt tuh byee uhloan wyeth meh so bead.”

“Unfochunatelay fo' yew, moi deah Directah, Oi havun't gone seenoile. Oi'm nott laettzing yew tzouch moi dokyooments.”

“Wouldn't thouz taechnecully bee mah documintz? Aen' Ah dun't wawn tuh tahch 'em, juhst set 'em awn faiyuh. Pawssebleh uhlawng wyeth yo' whole shiep. Wyeth you en et. Awll awf uz en et, yif Ah'm piesst eenuff.”

Edward rolls his eyes “Are you aware that the UNSC is above your project or do you need to gather empiric data in our private cells in this ship to discover that?”

“Ya haev prahvit ceuhlls yin thes shep?!” the Director is weirded out.

“You don't?”

“That would be a nice implement for scientific purposes, actually.” nods the Counselor, and everyone glares at him.

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“Juhst yignoah hiem, datz whawt Ah do.”

“Ah, I'd love to, but it's probably important that he's here so I'm going to have to ask what is his role in this meeting.” Edward smirks at him as he grabs a bun from the bread basket and opens it in half with his hands “Let's hear.”

“As the Director's advisor, I am here to listen to the conditions of the agreement you would like to reach with us and offer a reasonable compromise if needed.”

“Straight to the point, I see.” Edward fetches a knife and starts buttering his bread deliberately slowly, locking his eyes on him with more mischief, like the smooth mothafucka he unironically thinks he is “I appreciate that.”

“Chairman, may you please explain the conditions of your offer?”

“Oi'm showo yew haff awlreadtay discosst moi offah wiff thaw Directah opon reseivaing moi eemaeol, deah. Yew probublay noutissd thatt yoo ahr nott maenchuned aetzoll, yin moi ouffah.”

“Neethuh ez yo' naefyoo, yaet ye deesahded tuh yinvolve hem aez soonaez yuh saw Ah di'n't cahm uhloan...”

“Yew haff aw woild emajenayshun, dahrlaing. Itz olwiss vaeray endteareng chu syee hah naeeve yoo ahr fo' yoar ayge.”

“Naheev would byee buhlyeevin' dat ya wyeuhll nawt styeuhll dezspous awv meh aen' mah prawdjict aeftuh Ah gyeve ya whawt ya wawnt.”

“Diraectah, Oi woudt nevoh dizpous off yew. Tho waye yew olwyes loike chu foight is varey entzurtzayning chu may, itt woudt bee aw maettzah awff yeahz beefou Oi woudt eevun cuntsidah socch couhse off aekshun.”

“Ah'm styeuhll nawt doin' dat.”

“Yoo mohst bee reallay hongray tzuh breng thiss atchichude tzuh tho tzaybul.” he snaps his fingers to call the waiter “Gou see yiff tho lahmb aez raeadtay yitt.”

The waiter nods and comes with the lamb, both for the Director and for Edward, shortly after. He starts eating because he doesn't really want to talk, but as the Chairman stares at him he feels uncomfortable:

“Stawp staerin' aet meh.”

“Yoar goingztuh haff chu gett yoosed tzuh oi cuntaect, Oi wantz chu look down aht yew woil wee dzo itt.”

“Uncle Malcolm, please!” whines Edward “I'm trying to eat!”

“Thaen troi ogin, dahling, beecaujo mouff syeemzchu bae moovaing tzuh mayke cawmmints that nobodzay ahsked fou instead.”

“HA! Datzuh nahs won, gawtuhdmyeet.” the Director almost does a half smile, but he doesn't because he has a responsibility to the emo community.

“See? Yoar awlreadtay woahming op.”

“Ah'm NEVAH warmin' uhp fo' dat.”

“Wiull see.”

“No, Ah wont. Yer dezguhstin'.”

“ _Oh, Oi haff moi wayz chu meikkyu oppreciate moi cumponay!_ ”

“Ah dahbt dat.”

“Oi cahn guarontzaye yew thatt Oi'm goingztuh meik yoo screeum.”

“Yin hawrruh?” the Director snarks flatly “Mayebeh.”

“Crahckaing joukes, deeah? Oi syee Oi haff loosendjyoo op olraedtay!”

“DO NAWT PHRAYZET LAHK DAT!”

“If I may, sir,” intervenes the Counselor “dropping the hostility and loosening up might in fact beneficial to this discussion. We might as well save some time.”

“Datz naht tru. Wie'll git thru thes wyethaht shugacoadin' aenyethang aen' wie're gawnuh gidet ovah wyeth _yimmediateleh_.”

~TWO HOURS LATER~

“ _M_ _oi_ _, yo_ _o awr sou peuhssiestunt, awrunchyoo?_ “ the Chairman rolls his eyes “Oi'm stawhtzaying chu thank thatt theriss noffing yin thatt 'braylliunt' brein off yoahz.”

“Thank whawtcha wawnt. Ah'm lyeevin'.” he gets up and starts walking away, pulling the Counselor by an arm “C'mawn, let'z git ahtuh heeuh.”

“ _Oi thank_ thattchyoov been runnayeng illeegul exparimunts awn thee aye-oi weev grahntzed chu yoo.” he crosses his arms.

“AH CAEN'T HEEUH YA!”

The Chairman sighs seeing them go. The Counselor comes back shortly after.

“Excuse me, I forgot my--”

“Here.” Edward hands him the blazer that he forgot on his chair.

“Thanks.” he bites his lip, he's a little bit embarrassed “Um, may I speak to you in private, Chairman?”

“Thaerez noffang thahtz you cahnnott tzell may iun frontuff moi naeffyoo.”

“Alright...Well...”

“Yess?” the Chairman raises an eyebrow.

“I just would like to remind you that I am open to this offer and I will discuss it more with the Director to persuade him. I believe this is a very good deal you are proposing.”

“Woi, thank yew, bott Oi dzoun't seaye tho point ouv--”

“I would also like to remind you that I am very compliant...” he swallows his pride “And good with my mouth. I will do anything that it takes, sir.”

“Is this reminder for me as well?” Edward seems interested and gives him a dirty look.

“Only if it still accomplishes our goals.” he replies very coldly, somehow still keeping collected despite what he just said.

“Thaen Oi'm sorray, Couwnsiloah, bott Oi dzoun't thaynk wee nayd yoah 'seuhvvissis' onlasshu cunveence thaw Dziraektah chu meik thaw roight dissijun.”

“I will.” he nods very seriously, but is interrupted by the Director yelling at him from a distance.

“COWNSELAUH, HURREH UHP OR AH'M LYEEVIN' YA HEEUH!”

“With your permission, sirs.”

“Goudtboi.”

Edward gestures to ask for a phone call as he goes.

Later that evening the Counselor tries to approach the Director on the matter:

“So, are you going to comply to the Chairman's request?”

“Datz nawt uh reequaest, datz blaeckmayel. Aen' Ah'm styeuhll nawt doin' et.” he replies dryly without even taking his eyes off his material.

“May I ask what is that makes you confident that you will not suffer repercussions from not doing as he says?”

“Ya reuhlleh thank dat hiee'd vahlyoo ahwuh reeseuhch?! Hiee juhst wawnts mahneye, hiee wyeull nawt uhllahwuz tuh do aenyethang dat mayeks hyem louk baed.”

“But sir--”

“Ah dun wawn tuh heeah aenye awv yo' syelleh awbjaechunz, Cownselauh.” the Director shakes his head “Ah'm taykin' mah deuhsyejun foruh ryeezun”

“It would be wise to at least consider it, sir. We wouldn't have problems with authorities anymore--”

“Awthouredez caen kyess mah aezz. Ah'm nawt slyeepin' wyeth dat peuhvert ol' maen.”

“Why?”

“Wh-- Whawddya meen 'whah'?! Beecauz Ah dun wawntz tuh, datz whah.”

“The Chairman can be very discreet.” the Counselor reiterates “We both know he will not risk the reputation of anyone associated with him.”

“Deggnedee aen' raypyutayshun ahr nawt tha sayme thang!” he points out in outrage “Ah woud raethuh haev ahthuz jahdge meh fo' mah choiciz thaen blaend yin aen' go uhgaenst mah buhleevfs juhst tuh 'playe et sayfe'.”

“ _OH. I see what this is about, now._ ”

“Stawp tawkin' en etahlecs, ye kno Ah hayte dat. Aen' yuh, Ah kno whawt yeetzuhbaht too: yeet'z uhbaht myeeh tellin' yoo tuh shuht uhp aen nawt quaesshun mah rieezunz fo' sayein' no.”

“You are well aware that your decisions impact all of us no matter what.” the Counselor keeps going regardless, with a stern tone at that “If you backed down from your stubborn position it would be like denying the usefulness of what we have done so far.”

“AEN HAH YEEZ DAT B--”

“Which brings us back to your desperate need for punishment. That is one of the bases of your methods, anyway, so of course you would think that imprisonment is a valid alternative to--”

“EENAHF!” the Director's face gets red and he starts yelling “DAT'S YIEET, AH'M FAHREN' YA AEFTUH THES AEKT AWV YINSUHBOAHDEHNAYSHUN!”

“I'm merely trying to offer you some perspective.” the Counselor is offended by the Director being offended.

“Ah dzunt nyeed yoah peuhspeggtev, nah go baek tuh doin' eevaeluayshunz or whawtevah yit es ya do.”

“Sir, all my observations are made with the project's best interest in mind, I want us to succeed. Please understand that I am willing to contribute with my skills of professional communication--”

He is interrupted by a Grindr notification from his own phone. The Director gives him a look that is a mix of hatred, disgust and disappointment.

“Dizmyesst.”

“Yes, sir.”

The Counselor sighs and leaves the room. He goes to his quarters and minds his business, then after a while he opens his notification: it's a message from Edward.

' _Are you the pretty boy from the meeting?_ '

' _Hello. Sorry for the delayed reply. Yes, it was me at the meeting with you and the Chairman. How can I be of assistence?_ '

' _….................._  
…....................  
Booty pics pls?'

' _I don't see how that is related to our current conversation._ '

' _You literally said that you were ready to suck cock, during the meeting_ '

' _Well, that would be a two-way street regardless. It takes two people to indul_ _g_ _e in this kind of act_.'

' _Ohhhhh okay. Give me a sec ;_ _)_ ' Edward replies with a thoughtful expression on his face, then yells at the Chairman who is a few rooms away:

“UNCLE MALCOLM, WHICH LIGHTING IS BEST HERE TO TAKE A DICKPIC?”

“DEEPANDZ OUN WETCCH PAWTH YOO WAWNTZ CHU LOUK BAETTZAH.”

“I-- I'm not going to have this conversation. I'll just send an old one.”

The Counselor observes the picture with an enigmatic expression on his face. He takes a while to think of something appropriate in the end he just answers with the emoji of a man riding a horse.

' _lmaoooo since you're in the mood for emojis, why don't you send me your peach like I asked?_ '

' _Sure._ ' the Counselor goes to his archive in his phone, because he is professional, he has a folder for that shit. He sends his most recent booty pic.

' _Mmm, such a good peach. Can I_ _get_ _a taste?_ '

' _Can you?_ ' he accompanies it with a kissing emoji.

' _Oooh,_ _you're_ _naughty! I like that!_ ' cue a bunch of devil emojis from Edward. He smiles to himself and the Chairman, who is now taking care of some business in the same room, notices:

“Whoom awh yoo taextzayng, deeah?”

“Ah, you know the Director's assistant at the meeting?”

“Wottzuh pettzay thattchyoo wawntz chu ayntuhtzayn youssalf wiff socch aw blahndt yung mahn.”

“I bet he's secretly a freak!” Edward winks “I'm working on finding out...”

“Ayz thatt sou? Woi donchyoo troi tzuh foind out hayz syeecrits, then?”

“Ohhh, I see where you're going!” an evil grin appears on his face as he goes back to texting.

' _How is the Director in bed?_ '

' _What leads you to the assumption that I know?_ '

' _The fact that sent me a picture indicates that you're a slut_ '

' _I will tone down my perceived slutty behaviour if it compromises your sensitivity and judgment to this extent. I understand that not everyone can handle it._ '

' _Oh really? Shame I overestimated your abilities to deduce t_ _he answer to my question_ '

' _I have my theories. The Director is a very curious individual like myself and I am sure that despite his introverted demeanor he will be open to interesting enough experiment. Of course, that would depend on what the Chairman has to offer_.'

Edward raises his glance from the screen and turns to his uncle “He asks what do you have to offer.”

“Ceuhtainlay Oi woodzudn't disscoss this wiff heim.”

“That's fair. I'm going to ask if the Director has some profile on this site.” he goes back to texting again.

' _Is the Director on here too?_ '

' _He is not. As you may have noticed, he is very firm in his belief that he doesn't need a relationship or an affair. However, I can convince him to exchange messages on this type of platform if you so request._ '

' _You better! My uncle can be VERY impatient_ '

' _I however have to point out that while I may convince him to use this platform it is still up to the Chairman to present a compelling enough argument for him to accept._ '

' _If he doesn't do what we say you'll both end up in jail, how is that not a compelling argument?_ '

' _You see, the Director is a brilliant scientist, yet he is completely devoid of_ _any_ _common sense_ _whatsoever_ _and has the self preservation instinct of an 11 year old child._ '

' _Yep sounds like him LOL_ '

' _I hope that me convincing him to take the communication to the next step is a valid enough attempt for you to trust my intervention and value it accordingly._ '

' _Of course, babe_ '

' _Alright. Then I will be working on it immediately. Have a nice evening._ '

He decides to fill a glass of water for the Director, making sure to slip a mix of many drugs in it, because of course he would. Then looks for him and doesn't find him until he gets in the lab.

“Sir, I have been looking for you. Did you start fragmenting the programs we have left without me?”

“Mayebeh sou.” Not that there's much to do after fucking Shitstain McWeaboo here, also known as Agent Washington, decided to EMP his whole goddamn holographic archive.

“You might want to use some supervision for this risky task.”

“Ah kno, Ah juhst wawnted sum uhloan tahm.”

“I see. Well, I will leave you on your own but please keep yourself hydrated. I haven't seen you drink water all day.”

“FAHN.” he snatches the glass out of his hand and drinks it all in one sip, probably as another way to tell him to leave “Whawtevah.”

It takes a while before the drugs' effects start showing, and the Counselor makes sure that no one else from the staff comes around the area so that he can easily drag the Director away once he passes out.

He didn't calculate that the Director is twice as big as him and that his twinky ass can't handle him, but that doesn't stop him and somehow manages to take the Director to his own quarters and take his clothes off in order to take all the pictures he needs for the conversation with Chairman.

He studies for a long while how the Director would take nudes, so he experiments with angles and bedsheets to take the most modest and least revealing pictures possible – plus some naughtier ones 'for his personal entertainment', because he is the devil incarnate - to make them look in character.

Finally he waits a few hours until the work day ends and creates a profile for the Director and contacts the Chairman:

_'FINE, I made the account. What do you want?'_

Now all he has to do is receive a response and arrange the next meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe saying that I'm back is a broad statement but I'm sure alive. Miss Rhona ain't got shit on me.


	4. Obscene everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally happening.

The Counselor truly believes that this is a good idea. Good for him, then, because now he is forced to go through since the Chairman just shot him a message. Well, not at him, at 'the Director'. Man, he's gonna be so pissed when he wakes up...Oh well, not the time to worry about it. Now he has to check the message, and so he does:

_'I'm surprised to see you on here.'_

_'And I'm surprised that of all platforms you wanted me to contact you on this one, given how much claim to be classy.'_

Ah yes, that's a good Director impression. An excellent one, even. What a genius. To think that he was voted 'most likely to become a serial killer' at gifted child school. Clearly those losers were envious. And bad at using compliments as insults. Four for you, Counselor, you go, Counselor.

_'All the gentlemen in here have a quality which I respect very much: being straightforward in expressing what they want.'_

_'I have already stated my intentions and I have done so in a straightforward manner.'_

_'Perhaps you should improve your eloquence. I'm willing to pay you a course.'_

_'Can you pay me a course that teaches how to deal with advances from gross old men? Because judging from your 'business plan' I might be in desperate need.'_

_'That's very funny, dear. Don't worry, I will teach you everything you need. You're probably very tense, aren't you?'_

Oh, man, he's so hot, such a GILF, but unfortunately the Director doesn't have the inclinations to appreciate him and the only in-character way to go about this sexy question is to be an absolute brat like he would.

_'Yes. Being blackmailed usually does that to a person.'_

_'Your hostility and sarcasm are very endearing to me, but please know that I am serious when I say that I want to make you comfortable.'_

_'If this is an attempt, it's not working.'_

He stops, pondering on how to take the conversation where he wants...The idea finally comes to him, it's double texting after a while: this shall convey shyness, nervousness, and interest in getting rawed by an elderly genocidal maniac.

_'Listen, I've never done anything like this before. I don't send dirty texts, or nudes, or wherever you want to go with this conversation.'_

_'Have you ever been with a man?'_

Good question. Has he? There are speculations that can be made. So many interesting scenarios...Luckily, the man is a prude and would never tell anyone, so that's an available card to play.

_'That's none of your business.'_

_'I see. It's not a problem for me, on the contrary! It will be an honour for me to be your first.'_

_'…..........'_

_'Do you finger yourself?'_

_'I don't want to have this conversation anymore.'_

_'I bet you're very tight either way.'_

_'After all these years I would've tightened back regardless lmao'_

_Yes. The Director would use lmao. It goes well with his smug desire to dismiss everyone and with his raging hysteria. Good._

_'Oh well, at least you haven't wasted your handsome body on your counselor.'_

_Excuse you?!_ The Counselor gasps in offense, but the bastard Chairman follows with another message.

_'Unfortunately, my nephew suffers from a horrible case of bad taste.'_

The audacity...! Thank God for Director mode because it's time to insult a couple of bitches here.

_'Your nephew is a douchebag. The Counselor is too pretty for him, and also too smart, although that one could apply to an amoeba as well.'_

_'There are plenty of pretty faces, some cheap and some expensive, but you are so much more than a pretty face.'_

_'How flattering. Why is that?'_

_'You're interesting and entertainig. I like a man who puts up a fight. That's how I know you really want to be put in your place.'_

_'And where would 'my place' be, exactly?'_

_'Now, now. Don't make me be vulgar.'_

_'You literally asked me if I finger myself.'_

_'I did, and it hurt your sensitivity.'_

_'It hurt my WILL TO LIVE, but clearly you're determined to do so. Just say what you have to say and pray that it doesn't enrage me enough to come there and kill you immediately.'_

_'Ah, I would love you to come here! I can already taste our encounter:'_

Oh, boy. He's writing still. He's gonna write his most obscene fantasies, his deepest desires from the darkest corners of his mind. This is not just any person, this is the Chairman, the most evil man of the galaxy. The Counselor blushes in anticipation.

_'Our first time would be very romantic to accomodate your standards.  
I'd gently pull you by your tie, you would stare back at me in defiance with those pretty eyes of yours. That's when I start circling your lips with my thumb, you get scared and pull away, but I cup your face and dive you into a deep kiss that you enjoy way too much. You're hesitant at first, but you want more and more, and moan loudly as you reciprocate. You try in vain to gain dominance, but I push you on the bed, you whimper at the sudden loss of contact, and I find it DELIGHTFUL. You get defensive and start insulting me, because you're so proud and hot headed, but deep inside you need it. So you attack me, knowing that you're not strong enough, and end up under me as I hold you down by your wrists, both of us pant heavily. You're scared and yet you let me undress you, I press kisses all over you as I do so. You let out the sweetest moans while I tease you and lube you up, and finally I make you mine. You ask me to be gentle, but it still hurts too much, and I have to spread your legs farther apart. We lock eyes, and you look at me in a more and more adoring way as you finally surrender and become my slave, ready to do whatever I ask of you and begging me not to stop...That would be a dream.'_

The Counselor is slightly disappointed by the lack of torture and murder, but he figures that this is the Chairman's concept of vanilla. Now he has to respond, though.

_'I'm not going to lie...This sounds scary but also kind of interesting.'_

_'Glad to hear it. I will make sure to give you the best night ever.'_

_'I don't know. I'm still not over the loss of my wife.'_

Yes, that sounds in character. It's not enough, though. Let's go for a double text.

_'She was a strong female woman.'_

...Alright, let's go for a triple text.

_'With nice heavy breasts.'_

That's better. It's convincing heterosexual talk.

_'How long has it been since last time you had sex?'_

_'Dunno. Stopped counting after a while.'_

_'Then it must have been not so memorable. I can give you a different experience.'_

_'Well, I'm warning you, it's probably going to be awkward and just all around bad.'_

_'What makes you say that, darling? Are you afraid I won't like you without your clothes on?'_

_'I wasn't even thinking of that, but yeah, that too I suppose.'_

Good. Now he's going to ask for nudes, which shall be delivered appropriately. After that, the deal is going to be done. Ah, yes, he's typing now.

_'I would love to see your body. I did send you my picture, after all.'_

_'I will only send you on one condition.'_

_'What condition?'_

_'You have to pretend that this conversation never happened. Just shoot me an email to invite me to the next meeting, and act like I have no idea that we're going to have sex. I will even protest and put up a fight like you want, but please...Just don't ruin the moment.'_

_'Ooh! Yes! I like the way you think. I completely agree with this.'_

_'Good. I don't have any pictures, though, so I'm going to have to take them now.'_

_'Sure. Go ahead.'_

He scrolls through his gallery among the many pictures of the Director that he took. Even if he was actually agreeing to do such thing, he wouldn't be anything other than a brat about it, so not all of these pretty pictures can apply. To think that they are relatively modest pictures to begin with, because the Director is a prude – what a waste, by the way. The pictures that get eventually sent are those that have a teasing element to them, because of course those are more like him.

_'My, aren't you a beauty! I'm so looking forward to having you at my mercy...Take another picture as you touch yourself, will you? Or even better, a video.'_

_'It's already too much that you got these to begin with. Don't be greedy.'_

_'You're right. I shall have the rest when we meet.'_

_';)'_

...And with that, he ends the conversation. It's amazing that he managed to fool the Chairman into not questioning anything. When the meeting happens, well, that's going to be the Director's problem. The Counselor really believes that the Director only needs to loosen up, quite literally, in order to keep the project going. He'll understand that this is the only solution, perhaps the sexual tension between him and the Chairman is quite undeniable, he might as well try to solve it spontaneously. He just happens to be a little stubborn.

...Or very stubborn, since the day after in the early morning he seems to be throwing a fit already.

“Ah sweah tzuh Gawd, tha maen's goin' seenahl! Dyieed Ah peuhchaentz saet aen uppoeinmint wyeth Hawrgrouve?! No, Ah dun thienk Ah dzyeed. Whahz daet? Beecawz Ah di'n't! Whaerez thies cahmin frawm?!”

“Oh, you actually did, sir. It wasn't via mail, if I remember correctly you joked about looking forward to the next meeting and--”

“Eggsaectley, Ah jouked. Ah waznut syeereouz.”

“Well, he must've taken that statement seriously. You know you can't decline an invite.”

The Director groans “FAHN. Ah wyeull opin tha dayum eemaeuhl.”

_'Dear Director,_

_I am awaiting your response regarding our next meeting at 1900 on Tuesday. As you remember, I have demanded multiple times that we have a private meeting, without our collaborators in the way. For this reason it is best that you leave your Counselor deal with what is left of your project while we reach an agreement. Edward, too, has some business to deal with. I assure you we will be perfectly able of carrying this meeting on our own. Of course, if you decline my invite, I am going to have to fill my schedule with different activities, such as sending a squad to arrest you for your illegal use of the Artificial Intelligence that the UNSC has kindly provided you._

_Choose wisely._

_Yours truly,  
Chairman Malcolm Hargrove.'_

The Counselor eyes the content of the message and then the Director's distraught expression.

“I am so sorry, sir, but this time you can't have it your way. You are going to have to comply. Please accept that meeting.”

The Director groans loudly and proceeds to type a short confirmation. He goes on with his week even more angrily than usual, and finally the day of the meeting comes. When he and the Counselor arrive at destination, a couple of guards starts inspecting them for weapons.

“Whawt tha haell ahr ya doin'?”

“Making sure you don't try anything.”

“Ah don't wawn tuh byee heuh aet awl, trahn' shiet wood onleh mayke mah staye lawnga aen' nuhn awvus wawnt dat.”

“Me neither, but this is our job so let us do it and everything will be alright.”

The Director groans and lets the guards continue with the inspection.

“The Chairman is waiting you in his personal sauna.”

“Grouzz. Whoo haez meedengz yin uh sawnuh?”

“The Chairman, apparently. We're going to lead you there.” one of them basically pulls him by an arm until they arrive at destination. Not that it stops him from bitching.

“Haell no. Ah'm nawt doin' uh myeeden yin uh sawna, Ah'm nawt tzayken mah clouthz awff, Ah haev uh dzennideh.”

“Pretty sure he'll buy it easily. Me too, I have like five dollars but I don't know if you've got change.”

“Oh, reelleh? Cum heuh, ya pieessuh shie--”

“Director, please stay focused on our goal.” reminds him the Counselor “This is a crucial meeting and we have to be careful.”

“Ugh. Ah'm gonna opin dis gawddayum dor.” as soon as they enter, they are unfortunately forced to change and wear towels, and they are greeted by Edward who is sitting on a wooden bench, legs spread and an expression that truly reflects his shithead nature.

“Oh, look who finally showed up!”

“Whah ahr ya heeuh?”

“Beecous Oi nnyoo yew wooduff brott cumpuny eevin ef Oi tolju nottzu.” intervenes the Chairman sitting on another bench on the opposite wall.

“I don't mind, though!” Edward blows a kiss in the Counselor's direction “Hey, babe.”

“Greetings.”

“Well, Edwodt, Oi'm glahdzyoo doun't moind, becous ahs yoo cahn saye, moi suspisshuns haff been cumfeuhmt andt yoar goingtzuh haff chu dzoo summ baibysittzeng woill thaw Directah andt Oi discuss thee impoutzunt mahttahs..”

“Ah thawht yuh sed therez nuffin' wie caen't saye yin frant awvvyuh naeffyew.”

“Oi dzeed, butt itt wos aw mocch dzeffr'nti cauntext. Off couwse Oi'm nott expactzing yew chu disseuhn wott dzegrees off pruffasshunolitzay tzuh opploi sense yew haff, well, nun.”

“Caen wiee heurreh dis uhp?”

“Oh, of couwse. Edwodt, keah tzuh livv os uloan, pleese?”

“Sure. I don't want to have anything to do with gay stuff.” he rolls his eyes. The Counselor's not having that bullshit, though.

“You literally referred to me as babe a minute ago, besides you have made sexual comments about me, and also about the Director.”

“That's different!”

“How is it different?”

“First of all, I date women. All the time.”

“Mhm.”

“...And even with you, with either of you, I would still be on top, so that's not gay.”

“That's not how it works.”

“Of course you would know how it works...!”

“Di'n'cha haev tuh lyeev us uhloan?” the Director groans.

“Right. Have fun, I know we will!”

“Cownseuhlauh, yiffya dzoo aenyethang wyetthes dooshbaeg, Ah sweah tuh Gawd--”

“Aw, like you're the one to talk!” Edward barks back, then turns to his uncle “I really fail to see why would you want to date this clown.”

“Hahffyoo lookt aht hyum, deeah?”

“Too hairy, looks like a man, why be with someone who looks like a man? Just shag a raccoon, it has a similar colour palette.”

“Excuse me?” the Counselor's offended by that implied 'compliment'.

“See, you're more my type. You are um, what are adult black twinks called?”

“Oi'm nott showo they haff theio own neim. Oi bilieef they appeah iun thaw reesultz ahnywae iffyoo dzu aw seuhch.”

“Yu twu ahr dezguhstin. Whah ahr ya chreedin' hem lahk uh pohrn caetzegereh yinstaed awvuh a peuhssun?”

“It's a quicker description than delicate pretty boy that would totally look good in a dress...” Edward replies with a grossly dreamy tone “...As I hump from behind. ”

“Dayum, yo're dat baed wyeth weemin?”

“Aren't you the chap who hasn't had sex in like 20 years?”

“Ah chouz tuh.”

“You chose not to have sex?! Psh, I don't believe it.”

“Ah deesahded nawttuh reemarreh.”

“What does that have anything to do with sex?!”

“Whah woodah haev seggs wyeth sumwon dat Ah'm nawt gawnnuh maerry?!”

“Ew, what?! You've never been with a prostitute?!”

“Whah wuld Ah?” The Director is _genuinely_ confused, much to everyone's hilarity.

“That's so wei—Ohhhhh, right. You're too poor and can't afford one. Makes sense.”

“A-- Caen ya juhst shuddup?”

“I'm trying to have a civilized conversation and bond with my counterparts, I'm doing everything right, so _you_ shut up!”

The Counselor sighs and tries to make this trainwreck of a 'meeting' progress.

“I'm glad that if anything we are privileging an atmosphere that is more open to dialogue, for this session.”

“See?” Edward gets up and goes to him to to pat his head like he's a dog or some shit “You get it, you're good.”

“Please refrain from patting my head.”

“Right. I have all the time to do it later, if you know what I mean.”

“Grouss.” the Director mutters, but Edward continues pestering his collaborator undisturbed.

“But seriously, I'm curious now, what do poors do for fun?”

“ _Why are you asking me?_ ” poor Counselor can't believe that this bitch is for real.

“I'm assuming that cocaine costs too much for you, but I heard the homeless do drugs all the time even if they're poor, so even the 'regular poor' should be perfectly able to it.”

“I--”

“Is there like some other cheaper drug specifically for the poor? Oh! Meth! Is meth the poor people drug?”

“Edwodt, pleese...”

“Why are you in such a hurry? Are you afraid that the effects of the pills will vanish before I--”

The Director sighs, gets up, and just knocks out the motherfucker out of anger but also out of mercy. The Chairman fucking _laughs_ in response. To be fair it's funny, but what the fuck.

“Now, yoo dzidunt haff chu pounch moi naffyoo unconshus!”

“Weull Ah coul'n't cum heeuh aempteh haendid, cunsyeeduhret uh gyeft.”

“Oi saye. Well, peuhhahps we shoudt leaff thaw saunaw tzuh thaw kidtz ahndt tzayke thes chu moi rwoom.”

“Kids? I'm the youngest here and I'm fourty years old.”

“Shuddup, Cownselauh. Awlso, no, Ah'm nawt wawnderin' thru da cawrredoz haelf nekkid.”

“Doun't worray, Oi haff won off moi guaest bejrwoomz roitt naekkschu thesswon. Let os gou.”

“Heh.”

“Lovlaye, issun'tzet?”

“Louk, Ah di'n't cum heuh fo' dis. Iffya want me tuh mayek sum produtahp, whutevah teccnawluddgye, _dat_ Ah can do aez uh payemint, buht thes...!”

“Roight.” he grins smugly, assuming that he's just going on with 'pretending' not to know anything about the sexts.

“Ah'm seerieuhz. Ah caen build sumfin, yiffya wawnt, but--”

“Sweethohdt, yewnnou Oi olwayes loike somefang thatzz wiull breng may prawffitt, bott thahdt es sou impeuhssunul, dounchyoo thaynk? Oi wont sahmfayng thatt ounlay yew cahn giff maye.”

“Weull, Ah don't wawn tuh gyeve dat tuh ya, Ah dunt caer iffyu 'rrest meh or eevun puhblecleh eggsekewt meh, yeetz juhst uh no frawm m--”

The Chairman interrupts the Director with a powerful, rough, but most importantly gross dive kiss. It takes him a little bit to process and push him back, but once he does he starts yelling.

“NEVAH DO DAT UHGAIN!”

“Jost loik yew woudt baye 'nevvuh dzoing et ogaen' iff Oi semplay lett sloid yoar voiolasshun awff thaw prottzucol?”

“No, Ah myeen aen aectchowol nevah do et uhgain-- wayet, fuhck.”

“Yoo seeye, dzeah Directah, yew dzon't reeallay haff thattz mocch ovaw tchoiss, dzoo yoo?”

“Ah dunt caer uhbaht yo' threatz, Ah em nawt doin' thes.”

“Peuhhahps yoo jost nieed maye tzuh gett stahrted annywae tzo wohm op tzoo it.”

“Aebsoluteley nawt.”

“Oh, Oi'm showo yoo wiull injoye thiss.”

“Ah'm shore Ah won't..”

“Well...”

He grins evilly as he takes off his towel and drops it to the floor, exposing the unspeakable.

“Thaerez onlaye wun wae chu foind outt.”

~

The gate of the cell slams loudly and the Director and Counselor are inside, wearing prisoner garbs. The latter sighs.

“You really couldn't bring yourself to exchange _one_ sexual favour for the good of the project and humanity, sir?”

“Ah haev uh degnedy, Cownselauh.”

“How is any of this convenient?!”

“Yeetz vereh cunveenint. Syeentzshuh enzsest sou mucch awn 'eggschayngin' saeggshuol faevuz', cungrahts, you haev en entayah sel blawck tuh trayde wyeth, nah.”

“Excuse me?!”

“Ah'm juhst goin' tuh fahnd sumfin' tuh kyeuhll mahself wyeth aen' cawl et uh daye. Yeetzuh wen-wen. Haev fuhn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that Brooklyn Nine Nine quote was absolutely necessary.


End file.
